Category: people

I listened to a confession once. I was on the island of Phuket off the coast of Thailand. I’d checked out of my hostel and was planning to walk to a nearby bus stop to catch a ride to the airport. The female manager of the hostel offered to make me breakfast at a nearby shack opposite the bus stop. The bus wasn’t due for a while so I readily accepted the offer.

I sensed that she wanted to get something off of her chest. She opened the shack, which featured a small kitchen and bar. I took a seat at the bar looking into the kitchen as she started to fix breakfast. She proceeded to tell me that she’s been working to send money back to her mother who is looking after her daughter. Not only that, but her mother is raising her as her own. The girl thinks that my friend is her sister.

I sat back to take this all in.

I learned that she was unmarried and had had the child when she was young so it was easy to convince both the child when she was old enough, and everyone else that they were sisters, albeit far apart in age.

I couldn’t begin to comprehend what this woman had gone through. Not to be able to hold her child as a parent and to take care of them. The child believing that they are sisters only.

I wanted to know if she planned to tell the girl the truth eventually, but she didn’t know. She wanted to tell someone and we had become friends during my brief stay, and now that I was leaving, probably never to return, I seemed a safe bet.

We hugged and said our goodbyes. She closed the shack and I walked over to the bus stop to await my bus. Did she ever tell the girl that she, her sister, is actually her mother? Maybe she figured it out when she got older. I will never know. All I know for certain is that in telling me she felt some form of relief in telling a complete stranger her confession.

Technology is meant to improve our lives. Well, that was probably the intention. These days technology is just another avenue to create revenue for someone somewhere. Disposable gadgets, digital procrastination tools, momentary entertainers.

It can be a distraction, a constant pull.

When I arrange a catch-up with a friend over a coffee or beer, my intention is to spend time with them. My devices are silenced. I’m here for them.

It’s not always reciprocal.

Sometimes they are here but not there. They arrived, we ordered our beverages, sat down to have a good old catch-up, then something beeps or vibrates in their pocket or bag. They pick it up and a change comes over their face. They are lost in another conversation somewhere else. No longer here.

You wait. Sometimes they return to you only to be snatched away momentarily or for minutes at a time. When they return they have to remember where they are, a sort of context-switch resestablishment. Ah yes we were talking about X.

This goes on throughout the ‘catch-up’. They being here but not. Dipping in and out of being present with you. Technological rudeness. A virtual ADHD. Context-switch between the here and there. The present and virtual conversations that they are carrying out in parallel. More a disjoined sequential buffering with splintered packet reassembly. Two, or more conversations, not conducted efficiently with full engagement. Our desire to do more with our time waters down the quality. No conversation being truly meaningful or rewarding.

Eventually time is up and they leave, staring down at their phone as they exit, a quick smile and wave back at you, not really seeing you as they look back at their phone heading out.

Were they ever really here?

I read about this former pro skateboarder, considered the best in the world by many. Born in the 60s he can no longer perform the tricks of his youth, his body just won’t allow it. He also gets funny looks when he’s on his skateboard, so he only goes out at night. Street cleaners and the homeless are the only ones that see him. An old man just skating the streets performing the occasional trick.

It’s sad when your passion in life is tied to your body’s abilities. As you get older your body just can’t perform the same movements that it could in its youth. And if you suffer an injury it takes a lot longer to heal.

Take Speedway riders for example. Due to the nature of the sport and the possibility of serious injury, it is considered a young man’s sport. Retirement age is around 40. Pushing that limit can have consequences. One rider pushed that boundary into his early 50s. He was past his prime and struggled to compete with the younger riders, but his passion for his profession kept him going as long as he could. He wasn’t ready to retire and become a commentator just yet. He felt he had a few more rides left in him.

Some keep their bikes, their skateboards, and ride just for fun. Limiting the risks. Embracing the feeling they get from doing what they love. For as long as they can.

I overheard someone giving advice to another person the other day. They were telling them to settle down and have kids.

Settle down. What a weird expression. As if we are all manic living our lives and that at some point we should give up all the excitement and activity and settle down, and while we are at it have some kids. It’s an old expression used a lot and I get it. At some point in your life you should pause on the career aspirations and focus on building a family, if that’s what you want. I just found it an amusing thing to say. To settle down. To pause the flurry of activity that is your life to date and to live a calmer more family-oriented life.

I suffer from problem empathy.

It’s where you worry and stress about problems that are not your own, but those of friends or family.

When catching up with a friend or family member and they tell you about their woes, something that happened to them recently, maybe they were ripped off, scammed, or threatened, and are obviously upset. You begin to feel angry as if the problem has befallen you and not them. That you were the person that was wronged or threatened and you need to sort it, to make things right.

This is problem empathy.

You get worked up about this thing that has not happened to you, yet somehow feels as if it has. It can be really frustrating. Your loved ones may not even understand, telling you that you are worrying and stressing over nothing.

Ambition burnout. It’s a weird combination of words implying that it is possible to burn-out from ambition. But it is real and something that I’ve personally experienced.

I’ve always been driven by ambition. As a child I wrote a list of things I wanted to achieve by the time I was 18. I completed the list well before my 18th birthday. I wrote another to achieve by the time I was 30. It included things like to live in a nice home, have a nice car, a great job, and to travel around the world. I completed it by age 29.I wrote a few more, which I achieved. Then I hit the aforementioned burn-out. I ran out of things that I wanted to achieve. So I idled. With no more drive or goals I coasted along. I embraced mindfulness, journalling, meditation, and long walks. They kept me sane but barely.

Those of us driven by ambition can feel a real sense of loss when we no longer have ambition to steer us forwards. We merely exist like everyone else. With no measurement of progress, no sense of achievement. Just being.

It can lead to depression, and bad health. Ambition burnout can leave you hollow. A loss of drive, no mojo, no spirit.

So what comes after ambition burnout?