I’ve been thinking a lot about friends recently. Thinking about the difference between real friends and acquaintances. A friend, to me, is someone you’ve hung out with, had beers or coffee with while discussing life for many hours over periods of time. people that you invite to parties etc. Whereas an acquaintance is someone you’ve met, maybe you worked with them, were introduced to them at a party, or just connected to them on LinkedIn after meeting them at a networking event, and have retained some form of connection.
I tend to keep in touch with both, otherwise you tend to lose contact and an acquaintance then becomes someone you knew, once, long ago.
I’ve been thinking more and more about the definition of a true friend, a real friend. It’s rare for us to have more than a handful of these, if any. My mother (and grandmother) used to say that if they didn’t make a regular effort to keep in touch with their ‘friends’ then they would lose touch altogether. But is that the definition of a friend? A true friend? If you are the one that has to do all the work to keep that connection alive, and if you stop you will never hear from them again, is that friendship, or just networking?
I realised that I had become the third generation in my family that carries out this process of ‘maintaining friends’. So I took a look at my list of ‘friends’ and wondered: if I did not reach out to any of them for a long period of time, would they even notice? How many would reach out to check if I was ok?
I’d already decided that I needed a digital detox for a while and decided to combine it with the following experiment: I would not contact anyone for 6 months and see what happens. I included literally every person I knew – family and friend – in this experiment.
My immediate family reached out in the first week of course. After a month three friends reached out to see if I was ok. Two more after about two months. Then one at about the four month mark, but only because they wanted something and not to see how I was. That was it. Five people out of about 600+ across my socials and contact list in 6 months.
I discussed the experiment with various people and I learned that a lot of them generally have an immediate circle of very close friends and family and everyone else is outside of that, and that they can be generally lazy in terms of keeping in touch with those outside, but that doesn’t mean they are any less of a friend despite no contact for a period of time, even years. It’s just that they don’t view friendships and contact in the same way that others might.
For me it was a useful exercise as it allowed me to re-focus my effort to be close friends with those that want to be in regular contact and will reach out if you drop off the grid for longer than usual. It doesn’t mean I’m now less of a friend to everyone else, they are just in a different circle. Let’s call them acquaintances.
The work-life balance
Having a work-life balance is very important. You don’t live to work, you work to live. You work to pay the bills and have a comfortable life.
I’ve previously mentioned that it’s worth knowing how much it costs to fund your lifestyle. This is very important so you know how much you need to earn in order to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. If you can work smarter, not harder, all the better. It’s a great feeling to know that you only need to work three to six months a year to pay the bills for the whole year. You can then take time off or have long breaks between employments.
When I first started dating my wife (to-be), she was an employee with an annual holiday allowance of 25-days. We would look at the calendar for the upcoming year and note all the bank holidays and take those 25-days and use them to make weekends longer here and there and bank-holiday weekends even longer. We worked out that we could have short breaks every month. We would plan out where we were going next, somewhere in our home country or maybe abroad. Both the holiday itself and the anticipation of the upcoming holiday helped maintain a great work-life balance. We would often have 12 holidays a year. One year we had 14!
Another thing I like to do is to take “me days”. These are days when I know that no one is going to be home during the day. My wife will be out and the kids will be at school and I’ll have the place to myself. I’ll book it a month in advance so both my clients and family are ok with the date. Then I’ll start planning what food I’ll have. Maybe pizza or a takeaway. What snacks I’ll have and what beer I’ll be drinking. Not the large packs of beer but a carefully chosen selection of real ales from independent breweries. Then I’ll choose what video game I’ll be playing or movies I’ll watch. It may sound strange to you but this is heaven to me. I’ll get up, have my favourite breakfast and I’ll probably stay in my PJs all day long. I’ll play my video games and watch TV with no interruptions. After lunch I’ll open my first beer and continue gaming until the family comes home. Sometimes they’ll just leave me gaming till bedtime. Bliss!
Your “me day” may be different. Maybe you prefer a spa day or a day at the golf course or racetrack. Whatever your preference, the key is to just take a me day every once in a while to unwind, chill-out and enjoy yourself.
I had a colleague once to whom I explained the concept of ‘me days’ and who informed me that he couldn’t do it as he’ll be leaving money on the table. His thinking was that a day off meant a day’s money lost. Going from contract to contract working every day to earn as much money as you can is no way to live. Would you not rather enjoy what you do and be able to afford to take time off whenever you wanted?
Another rule of mine is that I don’t work my birthday. It’s the biggest ‘me day’ of the year so no way am I working that day. I’m far too busy celebrating me.
One other thing I’d like to point out about a good work-life balance is that the power people have over you is an illusion. Think about that for a second. When you are interviewing and are negotiating terms, at no point in the conversation does your new client say “..and I will have the right to berate you, to talk down at you, to shout at you when I feel like it, and generally treat you badly”, yet this happens. I’ve had clients shout at me as if they own me. They don’t. If you let them treat you this way then you are giving them the illusion of power and they will continue and this can lead to stress, anxiety and other mental health issues developing. The trick is to nip this in the bud quickly. Do it calmly and professionally but make sure that they understand that this is not acceptable and that if they cannot continue to be professional then you are prepared to walk away from the contract.
So remember that your health and well-being comes first. You are working so that you and your family can have a good life. You are not working just to work or just to earn money. You want a great life and you need money to do that, but not at the expense of your well-being.
Family and health come first!
Job security is a myth
In the past, many people would leave education and commit to a single company for their entire career, retiring after decades of service. Those days are behind us. Today, both freelancers and employees can expect to work for more than five companies over their careers.
Gaining experience across different companies provides valuable insights into what works and what doesn’t. Each role offers lessons, whether positive or negative. You’ll observe various approaches to solving common problems and may even bring your past experiences to the table, helping to address challenges in new ways.
Diversity in your career can be both enriching and enjoyable. Working across different sectors can broaden your skill set and expose you to unique experiences. For instance, I once found myself back in an office where I had previously worked, but with a different client, project manager, and team—only I was the constant. In another instance, I jokingly noted in a meeting that, if awarded the contract, I would have worked on every floor of the building, having already tackled projects on four out of five floors for various clients. I got the contract and completed the set!
Embrace new opportunities and don’t shy away from stepping outside your comfort zone—but always manage the associated risks.
Whenever I join a new company, I often encounter employees who express admiration for freelancing but deem it too risky. Even after discussing risk mitigation strategies, they often cling to the notion of job security. I once had a conversation with two managers in the company canteen. When I asked them what they meant by “job security,” they replied, “We are both managers here, so the company must give us three months’ notice.”
I then pointed out, “So you’re saying you have three months of job security?” To which they said yes. I responded, “I’ve just signed a one-year contract with your employer that neither side can terminate. By your definition, I actually have more job security than you do.” That made them reconsider their perspective.
To me, the concept of job security is a myth—largely a construct employers use to retain key talent. In my experience, companies prioritise their shareholders and profit margins. If you lack a vested interest, you may find yourself expendable. Look around: businesses are sold, and loyal employees are let go to boost profits. Ultimately, your primary loyalty should be to yourself and your family’s financial well-being.
ROI
Pricing yourself can be difficult at the start. You need a baseline to start from. You could ask people working similar roles with a similar level of experience, or look at job sites and see what the going rate tends to be in your area. In time you’ll get a feel for the market and what fees you can charge.
Some may worry that they are charging too much and can’t fathom why a particular client would pay a certain amount for them. This is due to a lack of understanding about ROI. As an example, early on in my career I worked a contract where the client assembled a team of six to work for six months to build a software system that they could sell to their clients. The budget was around £1M. This seemed crazy and the rates we were being paid were amazing at the time. When the work was completed to the required level of quality within the set timeframe the client sold the service for ten times the budget. To them this was a good ROI. They were happy to pay above the going rate in order to ensure that they got the right people for the job that could complete it on time allowing them to sell it at a large profit.
So knowing what you are worth is all about understanding what your clients are getting out of the deal. See things from their perspective. By paying a higher fee for you they are getting more experience, a wider skill-set. and all the extras that you offer.
A good tip is to never discuss your rate with anyone. No one knows your current rate except you and the client paying your invoices. Clients are not allowed to share that information with each other. If you want to increase your fees with the next client it’s best to start with a figure higher than what you are asking so that you can be negotiated down to what you want and so both sides feel like they are getting a deal.
When using agents you most likely won’t know what the end client is paying for your services as the agent will take a cut so your negotiations will be with the agent. In my experience agents can take anywhere from ten to thirty percent. It takes time and practice but you can usually work out what the agent’s cut is. The skill is in being able to squeeze that down as low as possible.
A good tip when negotiating a new contract is to not play clients off against each other. It is considered bad practice and leaves a bad taste in a client’s mouth. They have long memories and they’ll remember how you played them the next time you come looking for work.
When thinking about your fees it’s worth remembering the effort it took to acquire those skills and experience. The education, qualifications, training and on-the-job experience.
A good example I like to use to help explain ROI is the story of the guy with the piece of chalk:
A factory owner experiences a fault on a production line halting all production. He’s losing money each hour of downtime. He calls in an expert who walks around the factory floor and places a chalk X mark against the side of a machine saying replace the main circuit board in here and your problem will be fixed. The circuit board is replaced and production resumes. A week later the business owner receives an invoice for £10,000. He immediately phones the expert demanding a breakdown of his invoice as he was only there ten minutes! He receives the following:
Piece of chalk: 50p
Knowing where to place chalk mark: £9,999.50
Never stop learning
One time I was asked to take a junior tester under my wing and show him the ropes. One day he says to me “It must be hard for you to learn new things at your age”. He wasn’t being funny or anything. He genuinely believed that the older you get the harder it is for you to learn new things. I corrected him on that.
This thinking is supported in our culture. We’ve all heard people say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, or that it’s better to learn a new language at a young age. I’ve thought about this a lot and my thinking is this: that you can learn something new at any age, but as you get older you become more stubborn and resistant to learning something unless you absolutely need to know it or you find it interesting.
As I write this and look over at my bookshelf I see books on finance and investing that I’ve been reading recently as I’ve been fascinated by how the world of money works. And because I’m interested in this subject I’ve been devouring books and other media on the subject and I now know a lot more on the subject than I did a few months earlier.
You will also find that on occasion a client will ask you to learn or master a new tool or technique in order to be able to complete the work for them. Not learning in this scenario can cost you both money and reputation. I’ve met people who will say things like “I’m a tester I don’t write code”. What they really mean is that they are afraid to try. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone but do manage the risks!
Never stop learning. Whether it’s new tools and techniques being developed for your profession or subjects you are interested in like finance, business, the economy, coaching or consulting. We should all never stop learning.
A good tip I’ve learned is to never be the smartest person in a room or on a team. It might boost your ego but that’s the only thing that will grow. Everyone else will have you to learn from but you won’t have anyone. I like to work with smart people so I learn something from them.
So remember:
You can teach an old dog new tricks!
Don’t be the smartest person in the room, understand your client’s business, and learn from other people’s mistakes (it’s cheaper).
Having confidence in yourself
Having confidence in oneself may seem simple, yet many struggle with it. This is why the self-help industry thrives on selling books and resources aimed at boosting self-esteem.
True confidence stems from being skilled at something and recognizing both your strengths and limitations. Honesty about your capabilities is key.
As a QA professional with over two decades of experience, I’ve tested software, systems, hardware, and security. I’ve often found myself outside my comfort zone, presenting to upper management, but my extensive background means that most client requests are well within my expertise. This familiarity breeds confidence, which is evident in meetings.
However, I also recognize my limits. Occasionally, a client may request something unfamiliar, and while I could potentially handle it, I’ve seen many professionals falsely claim, “I can do that,” while privately worrying about how to manage the task. This disingenuous confidence can lead to anxiety and stress, overshadowing their performance.
I advocate for transparency with clients. I am confident in the services I provide and understand my capabilities. If a client asks for something outside my usual scope, I address it openly, highlighting any risks involved and suggesting ways to mitigate them. I ensure that any potential risks are clearly documented and agreed upon by all parties.
For instance, one client sought my help to test a new system and develop database update scripts based on my findings. I agreed but insisted on a written agreement stating that upgrade script development fell outside my typical offerings. We outlined that the client would assume responsibility for the scripts and provide staff for acceptance testing. This way, they received what they needed without adding undue risk on my part.
In another instance, a client unexpectedly designated me as the project DBA in a team meeting, which took me by surprise since that wasn’t part of our agreement. When I calmly explained that I wasn’t a DBA and refused to take on the extra responsibility, the client became agitated. I maintained my composure and suggested that it might be best for us to part ways amicably. After a brief discussion with their second-in-command, they decided to retain me for the original role, realising their budget constraints.
From these experiences, I’ve learned crucial lessons:
1. Have confidence in yourself.
2. Only accept work you’re confident you can handle.
3. Acknowledge your skills and experience.
4. Understand your limitations.
5. Be honest with clients about your capabilities, especially regarding tasks outside your expertise. If you choose to take on such work, ensure all risks are documented and agreed upon.
Building genuine confidence is about recognizing your value while being truthful about your limits. This approach not only fosters trust with clients but also maintains your peace of mind.
A love letter to Crash magazine
I have many fond memories of my childhood. One such memory was looking forward to receiving Crash magazine each month. I’d save up my pocket money and without fail I’d buy the magazine as soon as it hit the shelves. One time I was on a family holiday in the highlands of Scotland and I persuaded my family to take a trip to the nearest town with a newsagent just so that I could buy a copy!
Once I held my copy in my hands I would devour the contents, reading every article from cover to cover. The artwork and images were amazing and my young mind loved both the feel of the publication as well as the contents. I would take so much care to peel-off the sticky-tape holding the cassette to the front cover so that the precious cover art was not damaged. I’d load the cassette into my 48k+ Spectrum as soon as I could to try out all the free software on it.
As the years wore on I would enjoy other magazines such as Heavy Metal and Omni, but none matched my first love that was Crash magazine. The feeling it brought opening up a new world to me, one that would dominate my life for the next thirty years as I delved deeper and deeper into the world of computing.
Never say no to clients
Clients often react poorly to the word “no”, so I make it a point to avoid using it. This doesn’t mean I always agree; rather, I frame my responses differently. If a client proposes an idea that seems unreasonable, I might say, “Sure, but here’s what it will cost in terms of time, resources, and money.” Often, they haven’t fully considered the implications themselves and are looking to you for guidance. By steering them toward a more viable solution, you not only help them think critically but also build a reputation as someone who offers constructive feedback rather than just shutting them down.
Being a source of positivity can pay off significantly. Admittedly, it can be challenging, especially when projects go awry or when working with difficult individuals in a toxic environment. In such moments, maintaining your composure and staying positive can make a world of difference.
It’s also wise to distance yourself from negative people. They tend to view everything through a pessimistic lens, and their attitude can be contagious. If possible, avoid these individuals; you’ll be glad you did.
Occasionally, you may encounter opportunities that lie outside your comfort zone but sound intriguing. In these cases, I advocate for saying yes while also mitigating any risks. Be transparent about your skills and experience, and clearly outline any potential challenges. Once everything is documented, agreed upon, and approved, these projects can become both rewarding and profitable. Don’t hesitate to embrace new experiences, but always manage the associated risks.
Cultivating a consistently positive attitude takes practice, but the rewards are worth it. If you find yourself in a situation or workplace that you don’t enjoy, prioritize your mental well-being. Seek a way to exit the contract gracefully, ensuring you leave on good terms.
Thoughts on finding work
Understanding the recruitment process is crucial. Personally, I prefer to avoid the job sites if I can. In my experience, when a job is listed on these platforms, it often means the recruiter has been unable to find suitable candidates in their internal database. As a result, the position is advertised online, attracting a large pool of applicants.
The key is to discover potential opportunities before they hit the market. You can achieve this by leveraging your network or by identifying a select few recruitment agents who specialise in your sector. Maintaining regular communication with these agents is vital. Reach out to them weekly to remind them of your availability.
The goal is for your name to be the first one that comes to mind when their clients express a need for someone with your skill set.
Everything is negotiable
Remember that everything is negotiable. I’ve never signed a standard contract without reviewing it first. Clients often present their “boilerplate” agreements, expecting you to sign without question. I never have. They might claim that their legal team has meticulously vetted it, and that everyone else signs, but I approach it differently.
I read every contract thoroughly to ensure it aligns with what we’ve agreed upon. Does it clearly outline the services I’m providing? Am I protected against unforeseen circumstances? You’d be surprised how many clauses demand that you return to fix issues without specifying the criteria or timeline. Clarity is crucial; everything should be explicitly stated and limited to the contract’s duration, as you likely won’t be available for follow-ups after moving on to another client.
During negotiations, it’s vital to clearly define the services you offer. Ensure that what you provide, along with the fees and timelines, is documented in the contract’s schedule of services. This clarity helps prevent scope creep. If a client attempts to impose additional work not agreed upon upfront, you can reference the signed contract to negotiate any extras.
When dealing with sensitive information, I typically require a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) to protect both parties.
However, despite thorough negotiations and careful wording, some clients still breach contracts. I’ve encountered situations where clients terminate without notice because their client has stopped paying, expecting me to absorb the loss. In such cases, I usually walk away, knowing I can find work elsewhere to mitigate potential losses. If a client insists I perform tasks outside our agreement, I politely refuse and suggest renegotiating for any additional work.
The key is to remain professional and courteous, even if the client does not.